


Broken Souls

by Elenyafinwe



Series: Peredhil [2]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, First Age, Gen, Hurt, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia, Sirion, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27081742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenyafinwe/pseuds/Elenyafinwe
Summary: Earendil returns home from one of his many odysseys, and Elwing knows that more than ever, she must maintain the illusion of an intact family. She clings to it, because it is her only foothold in life. The illusion must be perfect. Maybe one day she can believe in it herself.
Relationships: Elrond Peredhel & Elros Tar-Minyatur & Elwing, Eärendil/Elwing (Tolkien)
Series: Peredhil [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077245
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	Broken Souls

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Zerbrochene Seelen](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/729729) by Elenyafinwe. 



> CN dysfunctional family, emotional abuse, trauma, fear of separation, PTSD, developing schizophrenia

Elwing was aware that she should now feel relief as she spotted Vingilot's sails on the horizon. But she couldn't find any of it inside her. Her worries were merely exchanged for other worries.

Her sons clung to her dress as the three of them stood at the quay and watched the ship enter the harbour. The city bells rang out to greet Earendil's return. Their sound was resigned to fate.

Shouldn't Elwing be glad that now the incessant questions of her sons came to an end, at least for a while?

"Where is _atto_ now? When is he coming back? _Emilinya_ , why is _atto_ not with us? Is _atto_ really coming back? What if he does not come back? Will you leave us too?"

The night before she had raised her voice to Elrond when she just couldn't take it any more. She had regretted it immediately when she saw the silent tears in the children's eyes, but by then the words had already been uttered. Since then, Elrond had not spoken a word and kept his head down. Elwing felt guilty.

She had to keep her family together, but her attempts ran through her fingers like sand.

Elwing stretched her back and put on a loving smile as Vingilot approached. Earendil was not to believe that everything was not going in its usual order. He had enough worries of his own.

"Children, be nice and well-behaved when you greet your father, yes?" she reminded the twins.

The children nodded. They seemed tense.

Vingilot docked and was moored. The sailors were silent, Elwing noticed immediately. That was never a good sign. When her husband walked down the gangplank, she knew at once that this voyage had again been fruitless. Her heart beat faster and her throat became tight, but she kept her smile on her lips. She had to keep her composure and hold the family together.

Earendil would have walked past them almost without a word. Only at the last moment he looked up and saw his wife and sons. He paused. The sea air went through his short, blond hair. He had never worn it in an elvish manner, but kept it short like men. His eyes were dark.

"My husband, I am glad to see you safe and sound," Elwing greeted him. She approached him and took his face between her hands to kiss him. He turned his head so that she only kissed the corner of his mouth.

She had to hold on to herself so as not to flinch.

"Hello, _atto_ ", said the twins in the choir.

"I hope your journey wasn't too arduous," Elwing added. She didn't really want to know the answer. This time it was particularly bad.

Earendil looked at his family as if he was trying to assess what he had to do with them. Then he blinked and his eyes cleared.

"Again, I haven't found what I was looking for."

Nothing more. With these words he turned to leave. Elwing hurried after him, her children in tow.

" _Atto_ , have you brought us anything?" Elros wanted to know. The question was asked with the innocence of a child.

Earendil walked on with wide strides and did not pause when he replied, "You can't always get presents."

"But surely you can tell us stories of your adventure," Elrond added.

"I am not doing this for your amusement, children."

Earendil's stern gaze silenced her.

Elwing's fingers twitched. _Not in front of the children_ , she admonished herself. She tried to ignore the hurt looks of her sons. Her heart would otherwise shatter into a thousand pieces.

"Darling, come and rest first. There is still time for everything else," she said.

Earendil didn't let on whether he had heard her. He walked ahead in silence.

Elwing had already prepared everything for her husband's arrival. The house on the hill was polished to a high gloss and the servants had put everything in exactly the right place. Earendil hated disorder. The food was already prepared and waiting for her. As always, it was to be a silent meal. Elwing deceived the uncomfortable silence hanging over the table with a smile.

"You shouldn't wear the Nauglamír so often," Earendil said into the silence at some point.

Elwing involuntarily grabbed her neck where the silmaril shone from her throat. "I thought you would like it. A light to show you the way home."

"Someday, the Feanorians will know about this. You know first hand what they are capable of," Earendil reminded her.

She pulled a face as she was reminded of the old pain. Screams. Blood. Death everywhere. Her heart began to race and her breathing became frantic. No. No, that was over. Gone. None of it happened in this moment. She clawed her fingernails into the palms of her hands to hold herself in the here and now. The pain helped.

Earendil knew what the memories of Doriath were triggering in her. He looked at her as if to say: You see, this is what I am talking about.

Elrond and Elros looked back and forth between their parents, poking listlessly at their food.

"Children, you must eat up," Elwing admonished them. It was better to think of this, it was less dangerous. "You know we can't throw this food away."

If only she kept smiling, she would be able to maintain the illusion of a functioning family, Elwing remembered. And at some point, it wouldn't be an illusion any more.

As always, Earendil didn't tell about his trips over the Belegaer. Elwing would have had to go to his ship's crew if she wanted to know anything about it, but she was too proud for that. What was there to tell, she told herself. Her husband was roaming the seas and still couldn't find the way into the West. Were his moods not understandable? He was frustrated, exhausted and angry. His shore excursions had become shorter and shorter lately, and when he was with her he was seized by an inner restlessness that robbed him of his sleep. The tiredness only made things worse and worse.

Elwing sent her sons to bed early that day to be able to spend at least a handful of hours alone with her husband. He had already retired to their rooms. When she entered, Earendil stood at the window with an empty gaze, staring down at the harbour. He had probably been standing there like that for a long time. Sometimes that happened to him. Then he would just freeze where he was and not move. A strange expression then lay in his eyes that Elwing didn't want to please. Who knows what was going through his mind at such moments.

Silence roared in the dusky room.

Elwing gave herself a jolt and joined her husband. She put her arm around him and laid her cheek on his shoulder. He did not move.

"I will always be here for you, that you only know that," she whispered. "No matter what happens. I'll hold you tight."

At last he moved again as he put his arm around her shoulders and turned his head towards her. "I love you. But this love is the anchor that keeps me here. Maybe that's why..."

She froze. Her heart convulsed. "What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing..." He fell into silence again. After a while he said, "My sons are grown."

"They miss their father." The words had left Elwing's lips before they could prevent it.

"You explained it to them, didn't you?" Earendil asked. "Why I'm away from home so often."

"Of course. Over and over again."

"I do it for them. For us. To protect our family and the families of everyone in Middle-earth. This is bigger than the worries of two little children."

Elwing couldn't stop anger from building up inside her. She broke away from Earendil. "And you know what Elrond said after that? That he didn't care about all those elves and humans and dwarves he didn't even know. And Elros said that he hated them because they seemed to be more important to you than your own sons. Those were the words of our children. Six years they have been counting and sometimes I think they are wiser than all of us."

Did she really just say that? But now the words were spoken and could not be taken back. They hung between them like the threat of a great disaster. Troubled anger was written on Earendil's face, his jaws grinding.

"They used to cry for days every time you left," Elwing continued. The words gushed from her mouth unhindered. "Not any more, now they have no more tears. But they still ask for you. Where you are, when you're coming back. Why you do not love them. On and on. And I can't answer their questions, because there are no answers. You are their father. This must stop, Earendil. I can't go on like this."

Earendil stepped away from her and stared at the harbour again. "Do you have another solution, Elwing?"

"No..." She felt lost.

"You have to understand, Elwing. You understand that, don't you?"

" Yes." _No!_ , she screamed in her mind.

"There is no other way but this. "If I can't make it, then no one can, and then we're all doomed. The Black Enemy will kill and enslave us and it will be far worse than Doriath. You can believe me on that. I have seen Gondolin. I have seen the powers he commands. I know I must find a way. They tell me over and over again."

"They?" breathed Elwing. Actually, she didn't want to know the answer to that one. It was like the ground was being ripped out from under her feet. Everything was spinning.

"The voices in my head. They tell me that I have to move on. The responsibility for all Middle-earth rests on my shoulders. Elwing, you can't imagine what that does to a person. I'm scared, so terribly scared. If I fail, I'll condemn us all to oblivion. I _cannot_ fail! But you don't understand that, you're just a mother."

Elwing shattered into countless little shards.

"Sacrifices must be made for love," Earendil said. Then he left.

Maybe she had been able to reach him after all, because the next day he suggested that the four of them take a trip along the beach. He seemed to be in a better mood and could even smile. Elwing was relieved and dismissed the previous evening as a bad dream. He was right. There was no other way. She clung to this thought.

She smiled as she watched Earendil collect shells with his sons and showed them how they could hear the sea rushing inside them. They walked barefoot through the wet sand, the wind blowing in their hair.

A family.

All of a sudden she was standing at the harbour. Vingilot sailed away with burning sails. Fire and smoke everywhere. The harbour basin was red with the blood of countless people. The stench of death rose in her nose. Screams. Pain! And above it all shone the eight-pointed flaming star.

She screamed.

"Elwing! Elwing! Wake up!"

Earendil's voice brought her back to reality. She must have fallen, because he was kneeling on the ground holding her in his arms. Worried, he bent over her and stroked her face. Elrond and Elros stood close by and clung together. They seemed disturbed.

"Are you all right?", Earendil asked with concern.

"Yes. It ... it was nothing," she murmured weakly. "My mind was playing tricks on me, that's all."

She didn't want her family to worry about her. The worries would creep back soon enough. She was annoyed that she had spoiled this beautiful moment because of such a stupid thing.

But secretly she knew better. Secretly, she knew that soon everything she loved would be taken away from her.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be continued in my longfic [Childhood memories](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13021938/chapters/29781987), which focuses on Elrond and Elros and how it's going for them.


End file.
